Relationship Map

I imagine for a lot of people, this map is redundant and not actually required. This map is not made for them. It’s not made for people who have an instinctive or intuitive idea about how relationships should develop and evolve. It’s made for someone like me (I literally made it purely for myself) to help myself come to my own senses about what I actually believe is a healthy pace for a relationship.

Unlike the more-often-heard-of challenge with commitment where people don’t want to commit to another person, my challenge has been that I jump way too quickly into committing. I genuinely thought I’m shortcutting a long and needless process by doing that. I was wrong. I was very wrong. The pre-commitment dating process is required to ensure that the person you are committing to, and the person who is committing themselves to you is someone you share the following qualities with:

  • Attraction
  • Trust
  • Respect
  • Compatibility

Without any of these, on either side, your commitment to each will falter or suffer; instead of being one that enhances and deepens your co-creative potential and your enjoyment of life and each other.

Definitions:

  • Attraction -> You like being with each other.
  • Trust -> Your needs and desires are internalized as their needs and desires; ie. your wellbeing is their priority.
  • Respect -> They have sufficient competency & capacity to meet the facets of your needs and desires that are relevant to the context of your relationship.
  • Compatibility -> Your preferences & what you are excited to experience in life can align with one another.

That is the function of a date (intentionally shared time).


Potential Detection – 12 Dates

  • At first, to naturally detect if there is sufficient mutual attraction, trust, respect and compatibility between the two of you. This determines potential.
    • I’ve given this potential detection phase about 12 dates,
      • with the clause that each date must be spaced at least 1 week apart from another date, to ensure there is sufficient time and space, to facilitate clear thinking.
      • Ie. if you spend 12 consecutive days together, that can give you a warped (often, overly positive) perception of one another, especially if the attraction is high. The time and space are there to account for blind spots, and to reduce the pressure of determining potential.
    • The primary aim of a date is to enjoy yourself and enjoy your time with the other.
    • The detection of the qualities comes as a natural by-product of you intending to enjoy your shared time.

Potential Development – 35 Dates

  • After the detection phase, that’s when I would want to introduce exclusivity.
    • Again, I’m aware that this doesn’t apply for everyone. Some people are cool being non-exclusive even in their long-term relationships. As far as I’m aware of my own preferences, In the words of Arya Stark: “that’s not me“. Because, in the words of Joey Tribbiani: “JOEY DOEN’T SHARE FOOD!“.
      • Clarification: exclusivity doesn’t mean imprisonment, lel. It does not mean that you cannot have your own friends or your own fun and meaningful activities. That would be very lame, and not joy-oriented at all.
    • Exclusivity is about consciously choosing to keep one person as Priority over all others. Because, you can’t have two #1 priorities. That’s just real. So if there’s a time where there are two or more things (or people) competing for your time, attention and energy, you consciously choose to give your time, attention and energy to the person you’ve chosen to explore with exclusivity. This is why it matters to choose wisely.
      • Because if you choose wisely, then, that person will be mindfully requiring your time, energy and attention, and when you give it to them, they use it in a way that feeds their needs, your needs and the needs of what you mutually care for.
      • Darker timelines are possible. If you haven’t lived thru them, trust me when I tell you: you don’t want to.
    • At the exclusivity phase, detection is no longer the main aim, but rather, development.
      • As in, you’re no longer just seeing what there may be between the two of you, when you’re just being your independent selves (as I think you should be doing in the detection phase), but rather, you’re consciously and actively developing the attraction, trust, respect and compatibility.
      • Because, none of those are set in stone, in any dynamic. There is so much playroom and adjustability. The purpose of the detection phase isn’t to find a perfect match. It’s to find someone who can become a perfect match. The becoming process happens thru conscious development.
      • The questions that are relevant to this phase are:
        • (Attraction) What do you find attractive? What is a turn-on for you?
        • (Trust) What can I do to help you have an easier time in trusting me?
        • (Respect) How can I support you in what you’re going thru?
        • (Compatibility) How can we go about this in a way where both of our needs and preferences are honored?

Potential Dedication – 103 Dates

  • The development phase never ends, it just evolves and the intention to develop turns into a dedication.
  • This is when you can go for living together.
    • The idea is that you’re more than just roommates. You are one organism composed of two individual cells.
    • There is an increased dependency on the smooth functioning of the other.
    • This is where the Attraction, Trust, Respect and Compatibility become ever more relevant.
  • A lot can go right in this phase; and a lot can go wrong. Your aim is to be dedicated to things going right.
  • If you by the end of the 103 dates, you are sufficiently satisfied with how right things have gone and how right things feel, you can consciously choose to commit to one another.

Commitment

  • Commitment is an inner-phenomenon, not an outer-expression.
    • Saying you’re on a date, doesn’t mean that you’re on a date.
      • If you’re at place together, but your mind is elsewhere, how much were you really there?
    • Saying you’re married, doesn’t mean that you are married. (even if there are legally binding documents backing up your claim).
      • If you’re married, but at the first sign of difficulty, you fight your partner or run away from the situation, what were you married to?
  • Commitment is an intrinsic choice, made consciously, on the daily, and even more so, as it is relevant, on a moment-by-moment basis.
  • It is about being committed to things go well between the two of you, and for the two of you.
  • It is about being committed to your own wellbeing and the wellbeing of the other.
  • Commitment is the bridge between Single Player and Co-Op.
  • It is what facilitates the depths of intimacy and connection.
  • It is where your dedication to your relationship turns into a devotion.
    • A sacred bond, with divine undertones.
  • This kind of commitment lays the for undergoing the sacred process of becoming parents.
    • This is when your child is a product of true love (in a way where the child actually feels that too).
    • When the pillars of attraction, trust, respect and compatibility are built with devotion.
    • Now that’s a home.

Business-Parallel

  • I didn’t speak much about it here, as the primary focus of this relationship map was the personal & family building side of things, however, the same principles apply to forming partnerships in a business capacity.
  • You require:
    • attraction (think: creative attraction, more so than sexual attraction),
    • trust
    • respect
    • compatibility.
  • And you need to go thru phases of dating one another (so to speak), just to get a feel for where you guys are at, individually, together and where you are headed, and gradually increasing your commitment to building something together.
  • Because a company can feel like a family.
  • And products can feel like children.
  • They can be sacred and products of true love, devotion, and dedication.

This is how I believe things should be done. This is how I will be attempting to do things myself.

If this map helped you get more clear about your own preferences about how to move forward with your own relationships, awesome! It’s certainly helped me.

Take care.

Take your time.

And, have fun, on this divine ride of a lifetime.